Reflections on 2014

I won't be sorry to see 2014 end.  We started to try to have a baby a year ago this month.  In fact, I thought I was pregnant on Christmas Day last year.  I naively thought the symptoms I had were pregnancy symptoms so I made the trek to Walgreens on Christmas Day to get a pregnancy test, only to be rewarded with a negative test and a period a few days later.  

So, for me, this year has been a year of infertility.  It was a year in which my husband and I were poked and prodded and tested for every possible fertility issue.  When we married, we knew that it was a possibility that we would have fertility problems, but I wasn't prepared for how hard it would be when our fears were confirmed.  

Today I had my first monitoring appointment for my 2nd IVF cycle.  As usual, the nurse said I was doing great.  She counted approximately 20 eggs, which is even more than the nurse saw at this stage last time.  Because of the holiday, I'm not going to be seen for another monitoring appointment until Friday.  It's interesting how this time around the fact that I'm doing great isn't as much of a comfort as it was during my last cycle.  I keep thinking about how perfect everything was, but somehow I still didn't end up with a baby or extra embryos. The doctor has made slight changes in my medications this cycle so I'm trying really hard to trust my doctor and hope for the best.  It's possible that the changes in my cycle are so minuscule that only the doctor can detect a change.  

I'm hoping desperately that I can leave infertility behind in 2015.  And that by next Christmas, my baby (or babies!) will be celebrating his or her first Christmas. 

Keep Breathing

The good news is that I have a start date for my stimulating injections.  Yesterday I called the IVF nurse to let her know that I had gotten my period. I don't think I had ever been more excited to see a period.  I called at 9 and she asked if I could come in at 10.  Apparently they were just as eager as I was to have another ultrasound and come up with a plan.  

As I expected, everything looked just fine on the ultrasound.  Since my lining wasn't very thin yet, they decided they wanted me to wait until Saturday, December 27, to start stims.  My first monitoring appointment will be on Monday, the 29th.  My best guess is that my egg retrieval will happen on January 6 or 7.

I left that appointment feeling pretty good because I like to have a plan, but it didn't take long for the typical feeling of being overwhelmed to take over.  I had to go back to work so I started thinking about how I'm going to tell people at work about my upcoming time off.  I really wish I could keep this information private, but it's not really possible when you're taking three days off of work mid-week.  And then I started thinking about how much of my privacy this process has taken away from me.  

Those are the kind of thoughts I have all the time.  Something good will happen in the IVF process, but it will bring up all kinds of other emotions.  I don't always know how to deal with these thoughts and emotions effectively.  I think I'm doing everything I can by going to counseling and trying acupuncture.  But no matter what I do, it's just so overwhelming.  

Today was another overwhelming day.  It was my last day of work for awhile so I had a ton of work to do, I squeezed in an acupuncture session during my lunch hour, my husband had some genetic testing done at the fertility center, we had to figure out where we could meet up in GR before his rugby practice so he could give me an injection, and and I was trying to figure out what I still needed to do in preparation for Christmas.  As I was driving home from work, I had a good cry.  That happens to me often these days. It's like all of the stresses pile up on me during the day and they can finally be released when I'm in the privacy of my car. During my cry-fest in the car, I heard the Ingrid Michaelson song, "Keep Breathing." If you don't know the song, it just keeps repeating over and over variations of, "all I can do is keep breathing."  

For the next several days, I don't need to work.  I just have to muster up some Christmas spirit, take some more injections, and go to lots of appointments.  I can do that.  I will just keep breathing.  

Injections and Acupuncture

My IVF cycle has officially begun!  I had my first injection last night.  The injection that I'm starting off with is called Lupron.  The purpose of this medication is actually to suppress any activity in my ovaries so I won't have to be worried about enlarged ovaries just yet.  I read last night that this medication puts your body into a menopause-like state.  That doesn't sound very fun, but so far I haven't noticed anything. 

The other big news of the week is that I found out that my blood work came back as normal. I was relieved to hear that, but then they mentioned having my husband tested for various genetic disorders.  As you probably know, the entire reason we are doing IVF is because he has a low sperm count, low motility, and low morphology.  The doctors have said all along that it's most likely because of his spinal cord injury, but now they want to ensure there's not another underlying genetic issue.  In some men with this issue, it means they don't have good sperm and if there's not good sperm, it could prevent successful pregnancy.  My instincts tell me that there's nothing wrong with him, other than the spinal cord injury, but I think we may get the testing done anyway.  We found out that we get discounted testing through our insurance so it will probably cost us $100-$300 out of pocket.  Amazingly, we still haven't reached our deductible yet, but we're spending so much on this already that a couple hundred bucks doesn't seem like a big deal anymore.:)  

I also had my first acupuncture session this week.  The acupuncturist wants me to see him weekly and he said he can even come to the fertility center the day of the egg retrieval to do a treatment there and he can also come on the day of transfer.  I'm not sure how we would coordinate that, but I guess we'll worry about that when the time comes.  The acupuncturist claims that acupuncture is supposed to give you a 40% higher chance of successful pregnancy than IVF without acupuncture.  I'm not sure if that's true, but I think those kind of odds make it worthwhile to try.  

The session itself was interesting.  He said each week he will treat a different area of my body.  This week he put probably 10-15 tiny needles in my back and then l had to lie on a heated mattress for a half hour.  I didn't really like lying there with nothing to do, probably because I'm a typical busy American not used to such things, but I'm hoping next week I can relax a little, since I'll know what to expect.  After the treatment was over, I noticed that all the tension in my back was gone and I felt tingly for awhile.  As most of you probably know, my back is always tense so it felt great to have some relief.  I'm looking forward to my next session to see how the treatment will affect different areas of my body.  

This next week is my last full week of work for the year.  I will also be working the 22nd and 23rd, but then I'll have 1 1/2 weeks off.:)  I need this break so badly. It sounds relaxing to not have to do anything, other than injections and doctor appointments.  It sounds weird, even to me, when I say things like that.  I think it's just that I'm so relieved that I don't have to do injections while starting a new job, like I did last time. That took such a toll on my physical and mental well-being and I can't imagine doing that again.  This time around I've been completely tight-lipped about it at work and that feels more natural to me.

Fake It Until I Make It

The past couple weeks have been difficult, but productive weeks in the IVF process.  On the Friday after Thanksgiving, I went to the hospital to have some more labs done.  The lab tech took several vials of my blood to test for anything that could contribute to recurrent pregnancy loss.  Obviously, I've only had one loss, but I think I would feel better if I pass all these tests.  I haven't gotten the results yet.  

I've also made an appointment with an acupuncturist who does "fertility enhancement sessions."  My first appointment is on Monday.  Acupuncture is recommended for IVF patients, but I didn't do it the first time around because it's one more thing that insurance doesn't cover.  But I decided to try it this time around because it's not only supposed to help with embryo implantation, but also with stress.  I could really use some stress relief these days.  One amusing aspect of my acupuncture sessions is that the sessions are located in my old office. The hospital has turned my old office into a holistic health center.  Hopefully the place looks completely different and won't remind me of all the work I need to get done.:)  

I also scheduled an appointment with a counselor.  She specializes in infancy loss and infertility and is a nurse, as well as a counselor.  I spoke to her briefly on the phone and she asked me about why I was seeing her and when I explained my situation to her, she said, "So every month when you have your period, it's like another loss for you."  It was so nice to talk to someone who obviously gets it.  She wasn't able to get me in to see her until the week of the 15th.  

This holiday season has been kind of difficult for me, but I had decided over Thanksgiving break that I was going to "fake it until I make it."  Although I wasn't feeling it, I put up a Christmas tree and started Christmas shopping and I've found that I'm still getting joy out of finding the perfect gift for a friend or family member and I'm still loving my Call the Midwife Christmas and Sarah McLachlan Christmas music. I'm glad that despite the difficulties of this season of my life, I can find things that I enjoy.

I'm really looking forward to my upcoming Christmas break.  Hopefully, I will be able to have off from Christmas Eve until January 5.  It may even be longer, depending on when my egg retrieval and transfer happen.  Work has been very busy lately. I'm not sure that I'll be taking days off for the next couple weeks because we're so busy.  It's not ideal for me, but hopefully looking forward to the break will get me through the next couple weeks.  I have to be at work at 6 am on Monday, if that tells you anything about how busy we are lately.

I hope you all are enjoying this holiday season and are able to find joy amid the craziness of this time of year.  

Respite

This weekend has been surprisingly pleasant.  I wasn't sure how I would feel about Thanksgiving because I was supposed to be 12 weeks pregnant on Thanksgiving Day and because I was afraid all of the social events would wear me out, but this weekend turned out to be just the respite I needed.  

I've come to the conclusion that it's mostly been work that's been wearing me out.  I switched departments at the same time that I found out was pregnant.  And then I probably went back to work too soon after the miscarriage.  And it's just so tiring to be around people all day long that don't know me very well and, as a result, don't really care about me that much.  

Any day off that I've had from work, since August, has had something to do with IVF.  And ow that I have Mondays off, those days have been spent doing tasks that were neglected during the last IVF cycle.  I don't know if this is an actual expression, but I think I had become weary down to the bone.  

So this long weekend was definitely needed.  I was able to read an entire book in one day. We were able to put up a Christmas tree and watch one of my favorite Christmas trees while drinking hot chocolate and eating caramel corn.  I was able to see my family and my husband's family.  I wasn't sure how I'd feel being around all of my nieces and nephews.  I thought it might just make me sad, but it had the opposite effect.  Few things can make me happier than my one-year-old nephew's imitation of a Kitchenaid mixer or my niece and nephew from Wisconsin giving me big hugs and kisses, despite the fact that they only see me twice a year. It's a good reminder of why I'm trying so hard to have children of my own.  

I'm hoping this time of rest and relaxation will sustain me these next few weeks until Christmas break.  If anything, hopefully it will be a good reminder that I do have good things in my life and that I have much to be thankful for.  I hope you all had a great Thanksgiving too.  

Here We Go Again

This week my husband and I decided that we're going to move forward with IVF right away, rather than waiting another month. This means that not only will have undergone IVF over my birthday, but I will be doing it again over Christmas.  Merry Christmas to me!

This IVF cycle will look a little different than the last one.  On December 12, I will start my first injection.  This is a new injection for me and it sounds like it could cause  more side effects than the other injections I've taken.  I will be on this injection for 10-14 days.  After I've started my period on the injection, they will give me an ultrasound to make sure everything looks good and then I will start my other injections.  I will be adding two injections that I was on during the last cycle.  I should be on those injections approximately 9 or 10 days.  I expect egg retrieval to occur around the first week of January.   

I'm not quite sure how to feel about this next cycle of IVF.  In some ways, I think it will be easier the second time around.  I feel like an old pro at getting injections and they no longer scare me.  I also know how my body responds to the medications and I know what to expect when I go to my monitoring appointments.  

I'm a little more unsure about my emotions.  Lately I've been trying to prepare myself for the worst.  What if I don't have any embryos to freeze again?  What if I have another miscarriage or I don't get pregnant?  Would we be willing to try this again if it doesn't work?  

Unfortunately, I don't have the answers to those questions. I've heard that it's recommended to give yourself a deadline of when you give up on infertility treatment, but I don't feel comfortable doing that just yet. I will just try to take it one day a  time again. I already feel that my mood is a little better since I now know when IVF will start again. At least I'm, once again, working towards my goal.  

Wide Awake

I went back to my kickboxing class on Monday night.  I hadn't been back in at least two months,  since before my IVF cycle.  When I put on my workout pants, I was nervous that they wouldn't fit me anymore, but they still fit me perfectly.  Although I'm always happy to not gain weight, it reminded me how I no longer have any physical reminder of enlarged ovaries or my brief pregnancy.  It felt so bittersweet to put those pants on and go through the workout routine again because I had hoped I wouldn't be able to go back to that class for a long time. 

There was a song playing while I was kicking and punching away that I had heard dozens of times during my class, but it somehow stuck with me this time.  I'm ashamed to admit that it's a Katy Perry song, called "Wide Awake."  The song repeats over and over again, "I'm wide awake."  And that's exactly how I felt that night.  I feel like I'm not the same person I was the last time I attended that class.  I know so many things that I wish I didn't. 

I had been told that having a miscarriage would cause grief, but I didn't realize the extent of it.  I've been through grief before and it's bringing me back to the overwhelming sadness and exhaustion that I felt before. I'm able to function at work and if you were to see me on a regular basis, I might act like I normally do.  In fact, I've been told by many people I seem to be doing well.  I think I'm in the stage of grief that manifests itself as depression.  I can hold it together when I need to, but I cry a lot more often when I'm alone and I get so tired after putting my happy face on for awhile.  When I lost my cousin five years ago, I distinctly remember telling his sister that I felt like joy was gone.  And that's exactly how I feel now.  I know that joy will come back,  but it feels elusive.  

And the funny thing about this stage of grief is that I can't pinpoint the source of my pain.  It feels like the tears are coming from some well deep inside of me.  I don't know if it's the miscarriage or infertility or some combination of the two.  All I know is that I feel sad a lot. 

I wasn't planning on telling you all of this, but since I started my infertility journey, I've wanted to be open.  It seems like infertility and miscarriage are usually hidden and private and can even feel shameful.  I don't think that it needs to be that way so I will do what I can to share with you my experience. I keep thinking about the quote, "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."  I know that I'm not the only one going through something difficult right now and my experience is a good reminder to me that I probably see people every day that are hiding their pain behind a smile.

Although I realize that what I'm going through might be perfectly normal, I intend to start counseling soon.  I want to go into my next IVF cycle in a better emotional state than I'm in right now.  I know that this post has been rather bleak, but I really do believe that things will get better.  Five years ago, I thought I had lost joy completely, but  it did come back.  But it didn't come back right away and I had to go to counseling then too.  

I think I say this every time, but I really am grateful to you all for reading my ramblings and for being patient with me.  I feel as though I've been a little withdrawn lately, but I'm trying to push myself to spend time with friends and family and to live life as normally as possible.  I need to continue to have fun to get myself out of this funk.  And if you see me privately in the next few months, don't be afraid to ask about IVF or my miscarriage.  I think about both all the time and talking about my experiences helps me process it.  

 



 

 
 
 

 

Waiting Again

I can’t believe it’s been two weeks since my miscarriage.  My life has gone back to a familiar rhythm; I’ve been going to work and seeing friends and going to family events.  I feel as though, unless you know,  you really can’t tell that my life has changed in a fundamental way. 

I’ve struggled a lot these past two weeks with who to tell about both my struggles with infertility and my miscarriage.  I’ve seen some friends, who don’t know about either, and I kind of feel like I’m living a lie.  They’ll ask what’s going on in my life and, other than my job transition, it probably seems like my life is pretty boring right now.  I’m not very good at pretending everything is fine when it’s not, but I don’t know if I’m ready to share that I’m preparing for a second IVF cycle.  

I think I also feel guilty when I don’t talk about my miscarriage.  I know that I knew very little about this baby or who he or she would have been, but it was still my first pregnancy and I was ecstatic about being a mother.  As you probably know,  I love summer and I thought it would have been so fitting that, after trying for a year, I would have a baby at my favorite time of year.  A baby that was conceived the same week I turned 33.

I think the hardest part for me right now is that I'm back to waiting.  After talking to the nurse at the fertility center, it sounds like I will be going through my next cycle at the end of January, which means this is happening later than what I originally thought.  I know that it's not a terribly long time, but it's hard to know what to do with this time I have now.  

I've started doing things that I wasn't able to do while in IVF treatment and and while I was pregnant.  And it's just so bittersweet.  I'm planning to start kickboxing again, I had a glass of wine last night, and I've been drinking my regular coffee in the mornings.  And I love all that stuff and I'm happy to have them back, but it's also a reminder of what I've lost and what I'll have to give up again. I'm ready to be a mom and I wish I could work towards my goal right now.  

Thanks so much for reading and for being patient with me as I try to figure out how to move on with my life.  I've received so much support over the last two weeks and all of the text messages and phone calls and coffee dates and flowers and cards and care packages mean so much to me.    

 

Hope is a Bastard

As most of you know, I had an appointment with my doctor today.  He was very hopeful about my chances of achieving  pregnancy.  At one point he said, matter of factly, that I will get pregnant.  

He is planning to adjust my medications, in the hopes that I will produce less, but better quality eggs.  This adjustment will mean an extra month of injections, but it will be worth it if I can have a better outcome. I was so concerned that he would say that there is something wrong with me that he didn't catch before, but he seems to think that I have no risk factors and that the medications I was taking were probably not ideal for me.  Apparently, IVF is very trial and error and sometimes it takes a cycle for the doctors to figure out what will work best for a particular patient. 

We're a little concerned about financing another cycle, but our doctor did offer us $1,000 off the next cycle and we won't have to pay for any testing during our next cycle.  He wants me to wait until I have one more period, but he says I can do an egg retrieval around the beginning of January, if I would like.  He told me I didn't need to rush into anything, but I think I would feel better if I tried again as soon as I am able.   

After leaving the doctor today, I felt great.  I almost felt like myself again, like I had reason to hope.  And I do think I have reason to hope, but as the day went on, I realized that I still have a long road ahead of me.  I still need to be poked with needles and have lots of blood draws and doctor appointments and spend more money on medical expenses than I ever thought possible.  And I have no guarantee that I will get pregnant or hold my baby in my arms when it's done.  I guess I just have to take it one day at a time and be cautiously optimistic. 

This past Saturday night, I went to a Ben Folds concert with my mom and my husband.  I've enjoyed his music for a long time, but didn't know some of his more recent music.  One of his songs seemed particularly relevant for what I'm going through now so I'm going to post it here.    

Infant Loss Day

I just found out that today is Infant & Pregnancy Loss Awareness Day.  I guess it's one of those things you don't pay attention to until you've dealt with a loss yourself.  I considered sharing my story with facebook, but I'm not sure if I'm ready for that.

I did end up telling my supervisor about the miscarriage and requested to work 32 hours per week.  I expected her to tell me she'd have to get back to me about it, but she ended up being very supportive and told me that I could start a reduced schedule in two weeks!  This has been one of the few blessings in a difficult couple of days.  

I also have my first counseling session tomorrow.  The fertility center offers counseling for free and it will be nice to talk to someone who specializes in infertility and pregnancy loss.  I just hope I don't cry too much, since I'll have to go back to work after the appointment.

A lot of people have asked me if there's anything they can do for me.  I'm really not sure yet what I need.  If I can think of anything, I will be sure to let you know.  
 

Chemical Pregnancy

Today I found out that I had a very early miscarriage, which the doctors refer to as a chemical pregnancy.  Basically, it means that the embryo implanted and started to develop and then stopped at some point.  

About a week ago I had started spotting.  I had called my doctor's office and the nurse didn't seem concerned.  She said that spotting can be normal in early pregnancy.  Since she wasn't concerned, I tried not to be concerned as well. Yesterday the spotting finally stopped so I decided to take a pregnancy test.  I figured that the pregnancy test could provide the reassurance that I needed.  Unfortunately, the test was negative.  I couldn't accept the results of the test so I immediately drove to Walgreens and picked up a different test. That test was also negative.  

The second negative test was when I lost all hope.  My husband was still at work so I called him and asked him to come home right away.  Even my optimistic husband didn't think I was still pregnant.  We called the on call doctor and he agreed that two negative tests was not a good sign and he wanted me to have my blood drawn in the morning.  

After a sleepless night, I called into work today and my husband decided to work from home.  We went to the lab and out for breakfast, just like we did the day we found I was pregnant.  This afternoon one of the nurses called to confirm that I had had a chemical pregnancy.   She said my HCG level had gone down to 10, which means that my pregnancy is not viable.  

My husband and I are devastated.  Last night I couldn't eat and I couldn't sleep and I couldn't believe that after all of our ups and downs, this IVF cycle is over.  Neither of us are sure where to go from here.  We kept our appointment next Monday. I'm sure that will be a hard day because we were expecting to be able to see our baby's heartbeat. Instead, we will be going over what went wrong and what's next for us. 

I know that I'm not ready to give up on being a parent, but I'm not sure how it will happen anymore.  I'm guessing we will try IVF at least one more time, but we will have to see what the doctor says. I also may try to cut down my work hours.  Although I've taken a lot of time off of work for IVF, I still feel so worn out. Between IVF and the job transition, I have been under constant stress. I think it's time to step back and figure out how I can heal from all of that.    

Thanks for all of the support you have all shown me throughout this IVF cycle.  I had so hoped that my positive pregnancy test was the end of my infertility journey.  If you are interested, I will continue to update on this blog.  I will continue to need your support as I grieve and decide how I will move forward.  
 

Relieved

I have good news to share again.  My doctor called yesterday and said that my levels had gone up to 69, which means they had more than tripled in two days.  For those of you who don't know much about HCG levels, the doctor likes to see doubling in that amount of time. As you can imagine, I am thrilled!  Obviously, it's still really early,  but I feel so much more optimistic about this pregnancy.  I'm choosing not to worry about it and to just enjoy it.  
 
The doctor told me I don't need to do any further blood work and that I can just plan on going in for an ultrasound on October 20. Hopefully that appointment will serve as more encouragement that this pregnancy is going well.  

I'm sure many of you are wondering if I will be having one or two or even three babies.  Based on my low HCG levels, I'm guessing that there will be only one baby.  If our ultrasound shows more than one baby, we will certainly be surprised! 

I probably will continue to update this blog on a semi-regular basis, if anyone is interested.  This may be the only time I'm pregnant and I want to remember everything.  Hopefully from now on, this blog will simply be the musings of a normal pregnant girl.:)


 

Pregnant!

Yes, I'm pregnant!  I wasn't planning on posting my news right away,  but a lot of people knew that today was the day so I figured I would just let you all know now. 

Today has been a weird day.  I had decided I would take a pregnancy test this morning because I wanted some warning before I get the phone call from the doctor.  The test was negative so I went back to bed, cried for awhile, and then my husband and I called into work because I knew I would be a wreck today.  My husband, the eternal optimist, thought there was still a chance I was pregnant, but I was convinced that I wasn't.  

So we both got up (since sleep wasn't happening) and went to the lab for the blood draw and then out for breakfast.  I was thrilled when the nurse called at 11:00 and told us that I actually am pregnant.  For those of you who know anything about HCG levels, my beta was only 20.9.  She said anything below 20 is concerning so I was just barely at the level I need to be and not at a level that would be detected in a urine test. She said that I only need to be concerned if this number doesn't rise appropriately.  My HCG level will be tested again on Friday. 

I'm cautiously optimistic about this pregnancy.  Hopefully I'll get some really good news on Friday and feel even better about the potential of this baby making it to full-term.  I'm thinking that this baby is a scrapper and will surprise us with high levels of HCG by Friday.:)
 



 

Waiting

Today was a sad day.  I boxed up most of my belongings at my office so they can be moved  to a different office.  It wasn't what I wanted so I'm having a hard time being optimistic about being anything, including the possibility of being pregnant.  For those of you still reading these posts, please pray for me or think good thoughts or whatever is that you do when someone you know is going through a rough time.  I so badly wanted to be optimistic during this time while I'm waiting, but life has kind of defeated me lately.  I know that my feelings won't change the outcome of my IVF cycle, but it would be nice to feel more hopeful.  

The main purpose of this post is to let you know that I probably won't be posting the outcome of this cycle on the blog.  Or if I do, it will be awhile.  I'm just not sure how or when I'll want to share the news when I find out.  Obviously, you will find out one way or another.:)  
Regardless of the outcome of this cycle, thanks so much for following along with me on this journey.  I got so many encouraging texts, cards, emails, etc.  It's made me feel so much less alone.

Are you in there, little fetuses?

I'm not going to sugarcoat the fact that today was a hard day.  I kind of had a sense of foreboding when I went in for my embryo transfer this morning. I had never gotten over the fact that we had lost so many of my eggs.  As soon I got into the exam room, we were told we had a big decision to make. 

This doctor, who we had never met before, told us that only three of our embryos had made it. Out of those three, only two of them were "perfect" and the third was unlikely to survive the freezing process. His recommendation was to transfer all three to give ourselves the best chance. Without much thought, we decided to heed his advice. Looking back, I wish we had thought about it a little more, but I've never been one to be good at making decisions on the spot.  I think I was mostly focused on making it through the procedure without bursting into tears.

The procedure went fairly smoothly with minimal discomfort. The worst part was lying in the recovery room after the procedure. My back was killing me and I just could not stop crying. I had had a nearly perfect IVF cycle and had never thought that I wouldn't have the option to freeze embryos. I just felt so defeated and so heartbroken. My poor husband just sat there helplessly. He couldn't even hug me because I wasn't allowed to move.

When I got home I had lots of encouraging texts from friends and family and started to feel better. We are not out yet. We have 2 perfect embryos and I'm hoping and praying that they keep growing. I'm sure I'll continue to have tough days, but I'm hoping I can mostly remain optimistic.

In the words of Phoebe from Friends, "Are you in there, little fetus? In nine months will you come greet us?" I'm just hoping that I don't get triplets like Phoebe did!

Update

Just after I posted my last update, the nurse called me about our fertilization results.  Of the 26 eggs retrieved, only 13 were mature.  Of those 13, 9 made it through the fertilization process.  That should be enough eggs for us, but it's a little disappointing.  Let's just hope those 9 continue to thrive.  I don't ever want to go through an egg retrieval again!

Our transfer is scheduled for 8:30 am tomorrow.  I can't wait to have those little embryos safely inside of me.  I have to keep reminding myself that I just need one to make it and I will be thrilled.    

26 Eggs

As you know, yesterday was egg retrieval day.  Luckily, they had me take a Valium the night before and the morning of the retrieval.  So I had a good night of sleep and was fairly relaxed by the time I came in for the procedure.  

The only experience I had had with anesthesia prior to this experience was when I had my wisdom teeth out about 10 years ago so I wasn't sure what to expect.  It was so surreal to put on a hospital cap and gown, have an IV put in, be wheeled out of the procedure room on a hospital bed, and then be wheeled out in a wheelchair to my car when it was all done.  

I was awake during the procedure, but my recollection of it all is very blurry.  I was glad my husband was in the room with me because he was able to tell me all the things the doctor said.  I remember a few moments of pain and pressure, but overall it went smoothly.  

After the procedure was over, the doctor came into the recovery room to talk to us.  I'm especially glad my husband was there during this part because we were required to make a few decisions.  I was shocked when the doctor told us that he had managed to retrieve 26 eggs!  It seemed like he wanted to only fertilize about 16 of them, but I figured that if we had the eggs that we should fertilize them all.  He also asked us how many kids we wanted and said that with those numbers he thought we could get away with only transferring a single embryo.  We've decided that we would still like to do two embryos.  I am slightly scared of the possibility of twins, but at the same time I'd be thrilled if I never have to go through this again!  It still makes me laugh to think of discussing all of these serious life decisions while under the influence of anesthesia and strong painkillers, with a doctor I had never met until that day. 

After the procedure, I spent the rest of the day on the couch.  I even fell asleep for a couple hours.  If you know me very well, you probably know that I don't take naps.  I wasn't in excruciating pain the rest of the day, but I wasn't feeling great either.  My whole abdomen just felt sore and swollen so moving wasn't very pleasant.  I just kept taking Tylenol and using my heating pad and the pain was pretty tolerable.  

Today I woke up feeling quite good actually so I'm hoping that I can actually get some things done around the house and run some errands. I just have to be careful not to overdo it.  Tomorrow is embryo transfer and the beginning of two days of bed rest so I'd rather not spend much time on the couch today.  

Today I will also get a fertilization report and the time of my procedure tomorrow.  The doctor said to expect about 80% to fertilize and about 80% to be viable. I can't wait to see what our actual numbers look like!  

A Very IVF Birthday

For those of you who don't know, yesterday was my birthday. I was kind of dreading yesterday because I knew that IVF was going to make the milestone considerably less fun, but it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.  

My co-worker brought me some coffee cake and coffee in the morning.  And after work I was feeling good enough that my husband and I went out for a nice dinner.  But I think the real reason I was feeling good was that I was told that I would go in for my egg retrieval at 10:15 on Thursday.  It felt so good to have it scheduled and to know that I would finally get these eggs out of me. I also was told that I'm not at risk for OHSS.  I won't go into too much detail, but basically some women can get really sick when going through IVF treatment.  It's such a relief to find out that I won't be one of those women.  

My one responsibility for the evening was to take my trigger shot right at 10:45 pm.  The trigger alerts your body to ovulate. Obviously, this is very important because an early or late ovulation can cause major problems for egg retrieval.  Luckily, my husband injected the trigger right at 10:45 so we should be all set for retrieval.  

Tonight I actually get a night off from injections.  This will be my only night off until the end of my first trimester (if I get pregnant) or until I find out I'm definitely not pregnant.  The other nice thing about today is that the trigger shot  tells my ovaries to stop producing eggs so I'm experiencing some relief from all the discomfort I was experiencing.  

I'm starting to get really nervous for my retrieval tomorrow.  Obviously, I'm so happy that this is finally happening, but I want to feel minimal discomfort during the procedure and I want them to get lots of eggs and I want to know that the majority of those eggs have fertilized. I know I've made it this far and I can continue to do this, but there is still stress to come.  I just have to keep telling myself that I've given this cycle my all and the rest is out of my control.  

Thank you all so much for following along.  I will try to update tomorrow if I feel up to it.  If not, you'll hear from me on Friday. 

Jumping for joy is not allowed

I'm happy to report that egg retrieval is officially scheduled for Thursday morning.  I had my last monitoring appointment this morning and my doctor seemed very impressed with my ovaries.:)  She couldn't believe how well I had responded to my injections.  She counted 20+ follicles in there.  Based on those numbers, I definitely have a good reason to be feeling uncomfortable.  She told me to take it easy and not do any jumping or bouncing.  I don't think she needs to worry about that; I've been hobbling around like an old lady for the last couple of days.  

I'm hoping to continue to work through Wednesday, but we'll see how I feel tomorrow.  I did just fine at work today, but I'm currently  lying on my couch in my pajamas and don't intend to move from this location for the rest of the night.  The only thing on my agenda is to get the last of my injections tonight.  It's hard to believe that my doctor still wants my ovaries to get bigger, but I will do whatever I can to ensure I produce good eggs. 

I will probably provide a short update tomorrow because I will have more information about my scheduled procedures.  

Lame Wedding Guest

I'm writing this post from my iPad in my hotel room near Traverse City.  We're going to a wedding here tonight. Unfortunately, I think I might be a rather lame wedding guest. I'm getting to the point that any time I move I feel pressure on my stomach so there will be no dancing and minimal alcohol consumption.  

So onto the purpose of this post. My doctor appointment, as usual, went very well. My 16 follicles are still growing steadily and some are ready for retrieval. They want me to keep injecting until more of my follicles catch up. The nurse thought I would be ready for egg retrieval by next Thursday.  The only concern the nurse had was that my lining is a little thin because I've been spotting on and off for a few days. She said if the doctor is concerned she will get me a prescription that will help to thicken the lining. It didn't sound like something that would change my retrieval date so I'm happy about that. 

I have a request for anyone that happens to be still reading. I will be on bed rest for a few days for retrieval/transfer. If you have any good book and/or movie suggestions, please let me know. Have a great weekend, everyone! Hopefully you're all less lame than me.:)

Infertility Foibles

I'm happy to say that I'm doing a lot better than the last time I posted.  I'm sure it helped a lot that I had another great appointment today.  They counted 16 large follicles, which means I should produce lots of eggs.  I think egg retrieval might happen next Wednesday or Thursday.  

I'm finally starting to feel uncomfortable. I keep having shooting, side-ache type pains and I have bruises all over my stomach.  And today I added one more injection to my daily regimen.  I will be doing three injections daily now, one in the morning and two at night.  It's really not as bad as I thought it would be, but I will be glad when I'm not being stabbed with a needle on a daily basis.  

There have been amusing moments in the middle of all this.  I  hope that someday they will give me a good laugh when I'm holding my baby in my arms.  

Here are a few:

-Sitting in the waiting room of the fertility center when a breaking news announcement flashes on the screen.  It's just alerting me to the fact that William and Kate are expecting another baby.  Thanks, fertility center TV, for reminding me that the royal family is more fertile than me.

-Going to the DMV in the pouring rain to get my license renewed. I pleaded with the lady helping me  to allow me to use my old license picture, but she was having none of it.  Instead I get the pleasure of my rain-drenched, bad hair day, mid-IVF cycle license picture for 4 years.  

-My sister-in-law's reminder that trying to find the right guy was the worst and I somehow got through that.  At least this time trying to get what I want just involves getting stabbed with needles.  

My next appointment is scheduled for Saturday so I will probably have another update for you all then.  Thanks for reading my rambling updates.:)  

IVF Blues

I need to warn you all that I will probably be posting a lot in the next two weeks or so.  I want to have this whole experience documented so I will probably be posting after each appointment that I have.  Feel free to ignore me if the posting gets to be excessive.:)  

This morning I went in for my first monitoring appointment.  The nurse drew my blood to check my hormone levels and then the doctor did an ultrasound and looked at and measured my follicles.  I had 13 measurable follicles and the doctor said that was good for this stage of my cycle.  She must have seen what she wanted to see because she didn't ask me to adjust my dosage at all.  I'm hoping they'll have a lot more information for me at my next appointment on Thursday.  

I'm starting to feel mentally and physically exhausted.  I always feel really good after I leave an appointment because I have gotten really good news at each appointment, but there always comes a point during the day when the reality of my situation hits me.  I start to think about all of the discomfort I have to face and the fact that my body could be doing everything right, but I could still inexplicably not get pregnant...

Injections & Ice Cream

I'm happy to report that I had my first two injections last night and I made it through the process unscathed.  I iced my belly for quite awhile before the injections and I think that helped.  The second injection stung quite a bit going in, but I didn't feel any pain later.  I had also heard there was a risk of bruising, but I have nothing yet.  

As a reward for making it through my first round, my husband and I went out for ice cream.  I think I might try to give myself a little reward each night after injections.  It can't always be ice cream, since I'm already at risk for getting bloated during this process.:)  Maybe I can "pay" myself $1 each time and buy myself something when this is all done.  

Kick Off

My IVF cycle officially kicks off this weekend!  I had my ultrasound this afternoon and the nurse said everything looked good and that I was ready to go.  She counted 16-18+ antral follicles, which means I should expect to produce about that many eggs.  According to everything I've read, it means that I have very good fertility potential.  

The plan is to start my injections on Saturday night.  I will be starting with two different injections in the evening, both of which need to be injected into my stomach.  I admitted to the nurse that I was quite nervous about the injections and she was so encouraging.  She said that I'll be fine and that she always gets excited for patients at this stage.  She said that this is the stage when something is actually happening and every few days you get to have a progress report.  I'm sure it's easy for her to say since she's not the one injecting herself with hormones, but it did make me feel better. Below are all of my meds and a curious cat, who sneaked into the picture.:) 

I  have my first monitoring appointment scheduled for Monday at 8 am.  I will have another ultrasound and a blood draw.  The nurse said I can expect to have a monitoring appointment like that every other day or so.  She also told me that my egg retrieval will likely be somewhere between 9/17 and 9/23.  I'm really hoping it happens sooner rather than later. I want to be done with injections as soon as possible.  

I'm sure you'll be hearing from me a lot more often in the next couple weeks.  I'm so glad that every stage of this process has been good news so far. Let's hope I only get good news for the rest of the cycle.

 

IVF Resources

I've had a few questions about what IVF entails.  I've done my best to try and explain the process, but I thought I would share a few resources for those of you that are trying to get a better understanding of an IVF cycle. 

Here is a link to a step by step guide from the Society for Assisted Reproductive Technology:

ART: Step by Step

I also wanted to share the video and story below.  I don't even remember how I stumbled upon it, but it aired on the Today show on the same day that I had my first meeting with the IVF nurse. I was full of nerves that day so it was such an encouragement to me to know that I'm not the only one going through this.  It also inspired me to start this blog.  I figured if Bobbie Thomas was willing to show her bruised stomach on TV, I could write about my experiences.  

Bobbie Thomas opens up about new round of IVF

As always, let me know if you still have questions. Thanks for reading!  

Another Appointment

This afternoon I had my sonohystogram and abdominal ultrasound.  I was quite nervous about this appointment for both the physical discomfort and I was nervous that my doctor would find something wrong.  Luckily, it went well.  There was some minor discomfort, but the fact that they found nothing wrong made me feel so much better.  My doctor kept telling me that everything looked great.  It was just the news I needed to hear after a rough couple of days.

My next appointment is on 9/4 and it will be a vaginal ultrasound to make sure that the birth control has worked.  I'm not as nervous about this appointment because I feel like I'm past the testing stage and will be able to proceed with my IVF cycle.  I keep asking when I'll actually start my injections and I can't get a concrete answer.  I think it depends when it's convenient for them to schedule my egg retrieval and embryo transfer. My doctor did confirm that I should expect to be on the injections for 8-12 days.  I'm thinking this will put me at a late September retrieval and transfer, but I guess I'll just have to wait and see. 

Bad Day

I wasn't planning to post until after my appointment tomorrow, but I unexpectedly found out today that I will be switching departments at work.  I am not thrilled about making this transition while injecting myself daily to make my hormones go crazy.  I will not go into more details because this isn't a blog about work, but I will say that I cried in a meeting with my boss.  That is definitely a first for me.  Infertility seems to bring out the most vulnerable side of me. I'm not sure that I like it.  

With that said, I know I'll be fine.  I just know that I'll have to suppress my natural inclination to always be looking ahead.  I'm going to have to learn to take one day at a time for the next couple months.  My husband is much better at this than me so hopefully I can learn a thing or two from him.  

Progress

This IVF thing is starting to become more real now.  I called one of the IVF nurses yesterday to let her know that I had gotten my period.  It's quite unsettling to casually talk on the phone to someone you've never met and describe intimate details of your cycle. I'm honestly kind of squeamish about all of this. I've never had a broken bone or a major medical issue and I've never been comfortable with watching a needle go into a person's skin. Until we started having fertility issues, I couldn't remember the last time I had seen a doctor for something other than a routine annual exam.  

Although all of this is so weird, I'm happy to have a plan.  The nurse scheduled me for a sonohystogram  next week.  It's supposed to give the doctors a view of my uterus so they can make sure everything looks good for pregnancy.  I was told that I could be uncomfortable and have some cramping so I'm really not looking forward to the test.  I think most people are fine, but my husband is coming with me as a precautionary measure.  The plan is to go back to work after the test, but I don't want to have to drive myself all the way back home if it turns out that I'm not feeling well.  

I also scheduled a  screening ultrasound for September 4.  The doctor is looking for cysts and checking the size of my ovaries.  If all looks good, I should be starting my injections the following week.  That's when I'll really feel the effects of IVF.  I'll be getting daily injections, going in to the doctor's office multiple times a week for ultrasounds and blood work, and possibly be feeling kind of miserable as my ovaries literally get bigger to produce lots of eggs. 

I don't think I could do all of this if I wasn't optimistic about this working.  I have been assured by my doctor and the nurse that I'm young, healthy, and my ovaries seem to be functioning very well.  They're starting me on low doses of medications because they expect my ovaries to respond well to the excess hormones.  I also know that the women in my family are really good at getting pregnant and maintaining a pregnancy so I'm really hoping that my body will work the same way.  .  

Welcome

 If you are currently reading this blog, you probably know that my husband and I have been trying to have a baby for nearly a year now.  You probably also know that we have been diagnosed with male factor infertility, as a result of his spinal cord injury.  Our reproductive endocrinologist has advised us to try IVF treatment because she feels it is our best chance to have a baby.  

As of now, there are two purposes of this blog.  First of all, I've always found writing to be therapeutic for me so I'm hoping this blog can be a journal of my progress.  Secondly,  I will  inevitably be asked a lot of questions by interested friends and family and I'm hoping this blog will answer some of those questions.  I fully expect to be oversharing so read as much or as little as you would like. There's a reason that I have only invited women to read this.:)  

I'm trying to keep this first post short, but I will let you know that I will be starting treatment very soon.  I met with an IVF nurse last week and was told that I need to call the office as soon as I start my next period, which should arrive in a few days.  They will put me on birth control pills for about 3 weeks after that and then I will have a screening ultrasound.  Depending on the results of that ultrasound, they will decide when I need to start my drug regimen.  

Thanks for following along with me.  I'm sure I will be sharing more soon.