Waiting Again

I can’t believe it’s been two weeks since my miscarriage.  My life has gone back to a familiar rhythm; I’ve been going to work and seeing friends and going to family events.  I feel as though, unless you know,  you really can’t tell that my life has changed in a fundamental way. 

I’ve struggled a lot these past two weeks with who to tell about both my struggles with infertility and my miscarriage.  I’ve seen some friends, who don’t know about either, and I kind of feel like I’m living a lie.  They’ll ask what’s going on in my life and, other than my job transition, it probably seems like my life is pretty boring right now.  I’m not very good at pretending everything is fine when it’s not, but I don’t know if I’m ready to share that I’m preparing for a second IVF cycle.  

I think I also feel guilty when I don’t talk about my miscarriage.  I know that I knew very little about this baby or who he or she would have been, but it was still my first pregnancy and I was ecstatic about being a mother.  As you probably know,  I love summer and I thought it would have been so fitting that, after trying for a year, I would have a baby at my favorite time of year.  A baby that was conceived the same week I turned 33.

I think the hardest part for me right now is that I'm back to waiting.  After talking to the nurse at the fertility center, it sounds like I will be going through my next cycle at the end of January, which means this is happening later than what I originally thought.  I know that it's not a terribly long time, but it's hard to know what to do with this time I have now.  

I've started doing things that I wasn't able to do while in IVF treatment and and while I was pregnant.  And it's just so bittersweet.  I'm planning to start kickboxing again, I had a glass of wine last night, and I've been drinking my regular coffee in the mornings.  And I love all that stuff and I'm happy to have them back, but it's also a reminder of what I've lost and what I'll have to give up again. I'm ready to be a mom and I wish I could work towards my goal right now.  

Thanks so much for reading and for being patient with me as I try to figure out how to move on with my life.  I've received so much support over the last two weeks and all of the text messages and phone calls and coffee dates and flowers and cards and care packages mean so much to me.