Waiting Again

I can’t believe it’s been two weeks since my miscarriage.  My life has gone back to a familiar rhythm; I’ve been going to work and seeing friends and going to family events.  I feel as though, unless you know,  you really can’t tell that my life has changed in a fundamental way. 

I’ve struggled a lot these past two weeks with who to tell about both my struggles with infertility and my miscarriage.  I’ve seen some friends, who don’t know about either, and I kind of feel like I’m living a lie.  They’ll ask what’s going on in my life and, other than my job transition, it probably seems like my life is pretty boring right now.  I’m not very good at pretending everything is fine when it’s not, but I don’t know if I’m ready to share that I’m preparing for a second IVF cycle.  

I think I also feel guilty when I don’t talk about my miscarriage.  I know that I knew very little about this baby or who he or she would have been, but it was still my first pregnancy and I was ecstatic about being a mother.  As you probably know,  I love summer and I thought it would have been so fitting that, after trying for a year, I would have a baby at my favorite time of year.  A baby that was conceived the same week I turned 33.

I think the hardest part for me right now is that I'm back to waiting.  After talking to the nurse at the fertility center, it sounds like I will be going through my next cycle at the end of January, which means this is happening later than what I originally thought.  I know that it's not a terribly long time, but it's hard to know what to do with this time I have now.  

I've started doing things that I wasn't able to do while in IVF treatment and and while I was pregnant.  And it's just so bittersweet.  I'm planning to start kickboxing again, I had a glass of wine last night, and I've been drinking my regular coffee in the mornings.  And I love all that stuff and I'm happy to have them back, but it's also a reminder of what I've lost and what I'll have to give up again. I'm ready to be a mom and I wish I could work towards my goal right now.  

Thanks so much for reading and for being patient with me as I try to figure out how to move on with my life.  I've received so much support over the last two weeks and all of the text messages and phone calls and coffee dates and flowers and cards and care packages mean so much to me.    

 

Hope is a Bastard

As most of you know, I had an appointment with my doctor today.  He was very hopeful about my chances of achieving  pregnancy.  At one point he said, matter of factly, that I will get pregnant.  

He is planning to adjust my medications, in the hopes that I will produce less, but better quality eggs.  This adjustment will mean an extra month of injections, but it will be worth it if I can have a better outcome. I was so concerned that he would say that there is something wrong with me that he didn't catch before, but he seems to think that I have no risk factors and that the medications I was taking were probably not ideal for me.  Apparently, IVF is very trial and error and sometimes it takes a cycle for the doctors to figure out what will work best for a particular patient. 

We're a little concerned about financing another cycle, but our doctor did offer us $1,000 off the next cycle and we won't have to pay for any testing during our next cycle.  He wants me to wait until I have one more period, but he says I can do an egg retrieval around the beginning of January, if I would like.  He told me I didn't need to rush into anything, but I think I would feel better if I tried again as soon as I am able.   

After leaving the doctor today, I felt great.  I almost felt like myself again, like I had reason to hope.  And I do think I have reason to hope, but as the day went on, I realized that I still have a long road ahead of me.  I still need to be poked with needles and have lots of blood draws and doctor appointments and spend more money on medical expenses than I ever thought possible.  And I have no guarantee that I will get pregnant or hold my baby in my arms when it's done.  I guess I just have to take it one day at a time and be cautiously optimistic. 

This past Saturday night, I went to a Ben Folds concert with my mom and my husband.  I've enjoyed his music for a long time, but didn't know some of his more recent music.  One of his songs seemed particularly relevant for what I'm going through now so I'm going to post it here.    

Infant Loss Day

I just found out that today is Infant & Pregnancy Loss Awareness Day.  I guess it's one of those things you don't pay attention to until you've dealt with a loss yourself.  I considered sharing my story with facebook, but I'm not sure if I'm ready for that.

I did end up telling my supervisor about the miscarriage and requested to work 32 hours per week.  I expected her to tell me she'd have to get back to me about it, but she ended up being very supportive and told me that I could start a reduced schedule in two weeks!  This has been one of the few blessings in a difficult couple of days.  

I also have my first counseling session tomorrow.  The fertility center offers counseling for free and it will be nice to talk to someone who specializes in infertility and pregnancy loss.  I just hope I don't cry too much, since I'll have to go back to work after the appointment.

A lot of people have asked me if there's anything they can do for me.  I'm really not sure yet what I need.  If I can think of anything, I will be sure to let you know.  
 

Chemical Pregnancy

Today I found out that I had a very early miscarriage, which the doctors refer to as a chemical pregnancy.  Basically, it means that the embryo implanted and started to develop and then stopped at some point.  

About a week ago I had started spotting.  I had called my doctor's office and the nurse didn't seem concerned.  She said that spotting can be normal in early pregnancy.  Since she wasn't concerned, I tried not to be concerned as well. Yesterday the spotting finally stopped so I decided to take a pregnancy test.  I figured that the pregnancy test could provide the reassurance that I needed.  Unfortunately, the test was negative.  I couldn't accept the results of the test so I immediately drove to Walgreens and picked up a different test. That test was also negative.  

The second negative test was when I lost all hope.  My husband was still at work so I called him and asked him to come home right away.  Even my optimistic husband didn't think I was still pregnant.  We called the on call doctor and he agreed that two negative tests was not a good sign and he wanted me to have my blood drawn in the morning.  

After a sleepless night, I called into work today and my husband decided to work from home.  We went to the lab and out for breakfast, just like we did the day we found I was pregnant.  This afternoon one of the nurses called to confirm that I had had a chemical pregnancy.   She said my HCG level had gone down to 10, which means that my pregnancy is not viable.  

My husband and I are devastated.  Last night I couldn't eat and I couldn't sleep and I couldn't believe that after all of our ups and downs, this IVF cycle is over.  Neither of us are sure where to go from here.  We kept our appointment next Monday. I'm sure that will be a hard day because we were expecting to be able to see our baby's heartbeat. Instead, we will be going over what went wrong and what's next for us. 

I know that I'm not ready to give up on being a parent, but I'm not sure how it will happen anymore.  I'm guessing we will try IVF at least one more time, but we will have to see what the doctor says. I also may try to cut down my work hours.  Although I've taken a lot of time off of work for IVF, I still feel so worn out. Between IVF and the job transition, I have been under constant stress. I think it's time to step back and figure out how I can heal from all of that.    

Thanks for all of the support you have all shown me throughout this IVF cycle.  I had so hoped that my positive pregnancy test was the end of my infertility journey.  If you are interested, I will continue to update on this blog.  I will continue to need your support as I grieve and decide how I will move forward.  
 

Relieved

I have good news to share again.  My doctor called yesterday and said that my levels had gone up to 69, which means they had more than tripled in two days.  For those of you who don't know much about HCG levels, the doctor likes to see doubling in that amount of time. As you can imagine, I am thrilled!  Obviously, it's still really early,  but I feel so much more optimistic about this pregnancy.  I'm choosing not to worry about it and to just enjoy it.  
 
The doctor told me I don't need to do any further blood work and that I can just plan on going in for an ultrasound on October 20. Hopefully that appointment will serve as more encouragement that this pregnancy is going well.  

I'm sure many of you are wondering if I will be having one or two or even three babies.  Based on my low HCG levels, I'm guessing that there will be only one baby.  If our ultrasound shows more than one baby, we will certainly be surprised! 

I probably will continue to update this blog on a semi-regular basis, if anyone is interested.  This may be the only time I'm pregnant and I want to remember everything.  Hopefully from now on, this blog will simply be the musings of a normal pregnant girl.:)


 

Pregnant!

Yes, I'm pregnant!  I wasn't planning on posting my news right away,  but a lot of people knew that today was the day so I figured I would just let you all know now. 

Today has been a weird day.  I had decided I would take a pregnancy test this morning because I wanted some warning before I get the phone call from the doctor.  The test was negative so I went back to bed, cried for awhile, and then my husband and I called into work because I knew I would be a wreck today.  My husband, the eternal optimist, thought there was still a chance I was pregnant, but I was convinced that I wasn't.  

So we both got up (since sleep wasn't happening) and went to the lab for the blood draw and then out for breakfast.  I was thrilled when the nurse called at 11:00 and told us that I actually am pregnant.  For those of you who know anything about HCG levels, my beta was only 20.9.  She said anything below 20 is concerning so I was just barely at the level I need to be and not at a level that would be detected in a urine test. She said that I only need to be concerned if this number doesn't rise appropriately.  My HCG level will be tested again on Friday. 

I'm cautiously optimistic about this pregnancy.  Hopefully I'll get some really good news on Friday and feel even better about the potential of this baby making it to full-term.  I'm thinking that this baby is a scrapper and will surprise us with high levels of HCG by Friday.:)