Reflections on 2014

I won't be sorry to see 2014 end.  We started to try to have a baby a year ago this month.  In fact, I thought I was pregnant on Christmas Day last year.  I naively thought the symptoms I had were pregnancy symptoms so I made the trek to Walgreens on Christmas Day to get a pregnancy test, only to be rewarded with a negative test and a period a few days later.  

So, for me, this year has been a year of infertility.  It was a year in which my husband and I were poked and prodded and tested for every possible fertility issue.  When we married, we knew that it was a possibility that we would have fertility problems, but I wasn't prepared for how hard it would be when our fears were confirmed.  

Today I had my first monitoring appointment for my 2nd IVF cycle.  As usual, the nurse said I was doing great.  She counted approximately 20 eggs, which is even more than the nurse saw at this stage last time.  Because of the holiday, I'm not going to be seen for another monitoring appointment until Friday.  It's interesting how this time around the fact that I'm doing great isn't as much of a comfort as it was during my last cycle.  I keep thinking about how perfect everything was, but somehow I still didn't end up with a baby or extra embryos. The doctor has made slight changes in my medications this cycle so I'm trying really hard to trust my doctor and hope for the best.  It's possible that the changes in my cycle are so minuscule that only the doctor can detect a change.  

I'm hoping desperately that I can leave infertility behind in 2015.  And that by next Christmas, my baby (or babies!) will be celebrating his or her first Christmas. 

Keep Breathing

The good news is that I have a start date for my stimulating injections.  Yesterday I called the IVF nurse to let her know that I had gotten my period. I don't think I had ever been more excited to see a period.  I called at 9 and she asked if I could come in at 10.  Apparently they were just as eager as I was to have another ultrasound and come up with a plan.  

As I expected, everything looked just fine on the ultrasound.  Since my lining wasn't very thin yet, they decided they wanted me to wait until Saturday, December 27, to start stims.  My first monitoring appointment will be on Monday, the 29th.  My best guess is that my egg retrieval will happen on January 6 or 7.

I left that appointment feeling pretty good because I like to have a plan, but it didn't take long for the typical feeling of being overwhelmed to take over.  I had to go back to work so I started thinking about how I'm going to tell people at work about my upcoming time off.  I really wish I could keep this information private, but it's not really possible when you're taking three days off of work mid-week.  And then I started thinking about how much of my privacy this process has taken away from me.  

Those are the kind of thoughts I have all the time.  Something good will happen in the IVF process, but it will bring up all kinds of other emotions.  I don't always know how to deal with these thoughts and emotions effectively.  I think I'm doing everything I can by going to counseling and trying acupuncture.  But no matter what I do, it's just so overwhelming.  

Today was another overwhelming day.  It was my last day of work for awhile so I had a ton of work to do, I squeezed in an acupuncture session during my lunch hour, my husband had some genetic testing done at the fertility center, we had to figure out where we could meet up in GR before his rugby practice so he could give me an injection, and and I was trying to figure out what I still needed to do in preparation for Christmas.  As I was driving home from work, I had a good cry.  That happens to me often these days. It's like all of the stresses pile up on me during the day and they can finally be released when I'm in the privacy of my car. During my cry-fest in the car, I heard the Ingrid Michaelson song, "Keep Breathing." If you don't know the song, it just keeps repeating over and over variations of, "all I can do is keep breathing."  

For the next several days, I don't need to work.  I just have to muster up some Christmas spirit, take some more injections, and go to lots of appointments.  I can do that.  I will just keep breathing.  

Injections and Acupuncture

My IVF cycle has officially begun!  I had my first injection last night.  The injection that I'm starting off with is called Lupron.  The purpose of this medication is actually to suppress any activity in my ovaries so I won't have to be worried about enlarged ovaries just yet.  I read last night that this medication puts your body into a menopause-like state.  That doesn't sound very fun, but so far I haven't noticed anything. 

The other big news of the week is that I found out that my blood work came back as normal. I was relieved to hear that, but then they mentioned having my husband tested for various genetic disorders.  As you probably know, the entire reason we are doing IVF is because he has a low sperm count, low motility, and low morphology.  The doctors have said all along that it's most likely because of his spinal cord injury, but now they want to ensure there's not another underlying genetic issue.  In some men with this issue, it means they don't have good sperm and if there's not good sperm, it could prevent successful pregnancy.  My instincts tell me that there's nothing wrong with him, other than the spinal cord injury, but I think we may get the testing done anyway.  We found out that we get discounted testing through our insurance so it will probably cost us $100-$300 out of pocket.  Amazingly, we still haven't reached our deductible yet, but we're spending so much on this already that a couple hundred bucks doesn't seem like a big deal anymore.:)  

I also had my first acupuncture session this week.  The acupuncturist wants me to see him weekly and he said he can even come to the fertility center the day of the egg retrieval to do a treatment there and he can also come on the day of transfer.  I'm not sure how we would coordinate that, but I guess we'll worry about that when the time comes.  The acupuncturist claims that acupuncture is supposed to give you a 40% higher chance of successful pregnancy than IVF without acupuncture.  I'm not sure if that's true, but I think those kind of odds make it worthwhile to try.  

The session itself was interesting.  He said each week he will treat a different area of my body.  This week he put probably 10-15 tiny needles in my back and then l had to lie on a heated mattress for a half hour.  I didn't really like lying there with nothing to do, probably because I'm a typical busy American not used to such things, but I'm hoping next week I can relax a little, since I'll know what to expect.  After the treatment was over, I noticed that all the tension in my back was gone and I felt tingly for awhile.  As most of you probably know, my back is always tense so it felt great to have some relief.  I'm looking forward to my next session to see how the treatment will affect different areas of my body.  

This next week is my last full week of work for the year.  I will also be working the 22nd and 23rd, but then I'll have 1 1/2 weeks off.:)  I need this break so badly. It sounds relaxing to not have to do anything, other than injections and doctor appointments.  It sounds weird, even to me, when I say things like that.  I think it's just that I'm so relieved that I don't have to do injections while starting a new job, like I did last time. That took such a toll on my physical and mental well-being and I can't imagine doing that again.  This time around I've been completely tight-lipped about it at work and that feels more natural to me.

Fake It Until I Make It

The past couple weeks have been difficult, but productive weeks in the IVF process.  On the Friday after Thanksgiving, I went to the hospital to have some more labs done.  The lab tech took several vials of my blood to test for anything that could contribute to recurrent pregnancy loss.  Obviously, I've only had one loss, but I think I would feel better if I pass all these tests.  I haven't gotten the results yet.  

I've also made an appointment with an acupuncturist who does "fertility enhancement sessions."  My first appointment is on Monday.  Acupuncture is recommended for IVF patients, but I didn't do it the first time around because it's one more thing that insurance doesn't cover.  But I decided to try it this time around because it's not only supposed to help with embryo implantation, but also with stress.  I could really use some stress relief these days.  One amusing aspect of my acupuncture sessions is that the sessions are located in my old office. The hospital has turned my old office into a holistic health center.  Hopefully the place looks completely different and won't remind me of all the work I need to get done.:)  

I also scheduled an appointment with a counselor.  She specializes in infancy loss and infertility and is a nurse, as well as a counselor.  I spoke to her briefly on the phone and she asked me about why I was seeing her and when I explained my situation to her, she said, "So every month when you have your period, it's like another loss for you."  It was so nice to talk to someone who obviously gets it.  She wasn't able to get me in to see her until the week of the 15th.  

This holiday season has been kind of difficult for me, but I had decided over Thanksgiving break that I was going to "fake it until I make it."  Although I wasn't feeling it, I put up a Christmas tree and started Christmas shopping and I've found that I'm still getting joy out of finding the perfect gift for a friend or family member and I'm still loving my Call the Midwife Christmas and Sarah McLachlan Christmas music. I'm glad that despite the difficulties of this season of my life, I can find things that I enjoy.

I'm really looking forward to my upcoming Christmas break.  Hopefully, I will be able to have off from Christmas Eve until January 5.  It may even be longer, depending on when my egg retrieval and transfer happen.  Work has been very busy lately. I'm not sure that I'll be taking days off for the next couple weeks because we're so busy.  It's not ideal for me, but hopefully looking forward to the break will get me through the next couple weeks.  I have to be at work at 6 am on Monday, if that tells you anything about how busy we are lately.

I hope you all are enjoying this holiday season and are able to find joy amid the craziness of this time of year.