Respite

This weekend has been surprisingly pleasant.  I wasn't sure how I would feel about Thanksgiving because I was supposed to be 12 weeks pregnant on Thanksgiving Day and because I was afraid all of the social events would wear me out, but this weekend turned out to be just the respite I needed.  

I've come to the conclusion that it's mostly been work that's been wearing me out.  I switched departments at the same time that I found out was pregnant.  And then I probably went back to work too soon after the miscarriage.  And it's just so tiring to be around people all day long that don't know me very well and, as a result, don't really care about me that much.  

Any day off that I've had from work, since August, has had something to do with IVF.  And ow that I have Mondays off, those days have been spent doing tasks that were neglected during the last IVF cycle.  I don't know if this is an actual expression, but I think I had become weary down to the bone.  

So this long weekend was definitely needed.  I was able to read an entire book in one day. We were able to put up a Christmas tree and watch one of my favorite Christmas trees while drinking hot chocolate and eating caramel corn.  I was able to see my family and my husband's family.  I wasn't sure how I'd feel being around all of my nieces and nephews.  I thought it might just make me sad, but it had the opposite effect.  Few things can make me happier than my one-year-old nephew's imitation of a Kitchenaid mixer or my niece and nephew from Wisconsin giving me big hugs and kisses, despite the fact that they only see me twice a year. It's a good reminder of why I'm trying so hard to have children of my own.  

I'm hoping this time of rest and relaxation will sustain me these next few weeks until Christmas break.  If anything, hopefully it will be a good reminder that I do have good things in my life and that I have much to be thankful for.  I hope you all had a great Thanksgiving too.  

Here We Go Again

This week my husband and I decided that we're going to move forward with IVF right away, rather than waiting another month. This means that not only will have undergone IVF over my birthday, but I will be doing it again over Christmas.  Merry Christmas to me!

This IVF cycle will look a little different than the last one.  On December 12, I will start my first injection.  This is a new injection for me and it sounds like it could cause  more side effects than the other injections I've taken.  I will be on this injection for 10-14 days.  After I've started my period on the injection, they will give me an ultrasound to make sure everything looks good and then I will start my other injections.  I will be adding two injections that I was on during the last cycle.  I should be on those injections approximately 9 or 10 days.  I expect egg retrieval to occur around the first week of January.   

I'm not quite sure how to feel about this next cycle of IVF.  In some ways, I think it will be easier the second time around.  I feel like an old pro at getting injections and they no longer scare me.  I also know how my body responds to the medications and I know what to expect when I go to my monitoring appointments.  

I'm a little more unsure about my emotions.  Lately I've been trying to prepare myself for the worst.  What if I don't have any embryos to freeze again?  What if I have another miscarriage or I don't get pregnant?  Would we be willing to try this again if it doesn't work?  

Unfortunately, I don't have the answers to those questions. I've heard that it's recommended to give yourself a deadline of when you give up on infertility treatment, but I don't feel comfortable doing that just yet. I will just try to take it one day a  time again. I already feel that my mood is a little better since I now know when IVF will start again. At least I'm, once again, working towards my goal.  

Wide Awake

I went back to my kickboxing class on Monday night.  I hadn't been back in at least two months,  since before my IVF cycle.  When I put on my workout pants, I was nervous that they wouldn't fit me anymore, but they still fit me perfectly.  Although I'm always happy to not gain weight, it reminded me how I no longer have any physical reminder of enlarged ovaries or my brief pregnancy.  It felt so bittersweet to put those pants on and go through the workout routine again because I had hoped I wouldn't be able to go back to that class for a long time. 

There was a song playing while I was kicking and punching away that I had heard dozens of times during my class, but it somehow stuck with me this time.  I'm ashamed to admit that it's a Katy Perry song, called "Wide Awake."  The song repeats over and over again, "I'm wide awake."  And that's exactly how I felt that night.  I feel like I'm not the same person I was the last time I attended that class.  I know so many things that I wish I didn't. 

I had been told that having a miscarriage would cause grief, but I didn't realize the extent of it.  I've been through grief before and it's bringing me back to the overwhelming sadness and exhaustion that I felt before. I'm able to function at work and if you were to see me on a regular basis, I might act like I normally do.  In fact, I've been told by many people I seem to be doing well.  I think I'm in the stage of grief that manifests itself as depression.  I can hold it together when I need to, but I cry a lot more often when I'm alone and I get so tired after putting my happy face on for awhile.  When I lost my cousin five years ago, I distinctly remember telling his sister that I felt like joy was gone.  And that's exactly how I feel now.  I know that joy will come back,  but it feels elusive.  

And the funny thing about this stage of grief is that I can't pinpoint the source of my pain.  It feels like the tears are coming from some well deep inside of me.  I don't know if it's the miscarriage or infertility or some combination of the two.  All I know is that I feel sad a lot. 

I wasn't planning on telling you all of this, but since I started my infertility journey, I've wanted to be open.  It seems like infertility and miscarriage are usually hidden and private and can even feel shameful.  I don't think that it needs to be that way so I will do what I can to share with you my experience. I keep thinking about the quote, "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."  I know that I'm not the only one going through something difficult right now and my experience is a good reminder to me that I probably see people every day that are hiding their pain behind a smile.

Although I realize that what I'm going through might be perfectly normal, I intend to start counseling soon.  I want to go into my next IVF cycle in a better emotional state than I'm in right now.  I know that this post has been rather bleak, but I really do believe that things will get better.  Five years ago, I thought I had lost joy completely, but  it did come back.  But it didn't come back right away and I had to go to counseling then too.  

I think I say this every time, but I really am grateful to you all for reading my ramblings and for being patient with me.  I feel as though I've been a little withdrawn lately, but I'm trying to push myself to spend time with friends and family and to live life as normally as possible.  I need to continue to have fun to get myself out of this funk.  And if you see me privately in the next few months, don't be afraid to ask about IVF or my miscarriage.  I think about both all the time and talking about my experiences helps me process it.